I’m kind of stupid. This is problematic in that I am known in my family as the “smart one” (doesn’t say much for them, does it?!); yet I’ve somehow crossed over to the paste-eating category simply because I have not been to the doctor in over two years. Stop staring at me like that! I have a good reason — okay, not really.
Let me set this up for you. It’s a widely acknowledged fact that I’m of a lusciously full-figured persuasion. My siblings are both thin and adorable, evidence that God does indeed have quite the sense of humor. Being a big girl makes going to the doctor a big pain in the arse. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone only to be told that every single thing that ails me is due to my weight.
I’m sorry but when did I get off in Skinny Town where everyone is healthy, never goes to the doctor and is having amazing sex with their fellow beautiful people after working at their high-paying jobs and driving their itty-bitty sports cars to fit their teeny-weeny bodies?! Send me back to Fat City where the plates are bigger, the chocolate is creamier, the people are fleshier and the sex is sweaty and actually still pretty good. Those are my people.
Anyway, I digress. Onward.
It had become increasingly apparent to me that this hacking cough I had developed — the same one that keeps me up at nights, the one that sometimes makes me fear I’ll wet my pants if one more cough is squeezed out and oftentimes elicits stares from strangers that fear they will be stricken down with the flesh-eating disease that I must be spewing forth with each violent cough — needed some professional medical intervention. Unfortunately, that presented a problem in that I find going to the doctor a fully reprehensible idea (read: I don’t like it).
This is what my appointments are usually like:
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Doctor: I see you’re here for a paps-mere?
BF: Yes, that’s right.
Doctor: Hmm, interesting. Let’s discuss your weight first. Did you know that thin people have gold-lined vagina’s that are resistant to all cancerous types diseases and therefore virtually guaranteed a long, healthy life of mind-blowing “thin” sex? That could be you too if only your BMI was lower. That’s a scientific fact.
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Doctor: I see you’re here for a sore throat?
BF: Yes, it hurts to swallow. It might be Strep.
Doctor: Hmm, interesting. Let’s discuss your weight first. Studies have shown that fat girls … excuse me … obesity is a leading cause of all illnesses, including jock itch, athlete’s foot, herpes and other socially unacceptable diseases. My gut is telling me that that you might not feel like you’re swallowing razorblades if you just weren’t such a chunky monkey. That’s my professional opinion, of course.
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BF: So you see, I think it would be a great idea if I felt more confident about my birth-control options. What do you think, Doctor?
Doctor: Hmm, interesting. Let’s discuss your weight first. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth at the thought of “fat people” having sex. *shudder* But that’s just my professional opinion.
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Needless to say, I’m a little turned off by the whole “medical” thing, m’kay. Recently a friend recommended a “FABULOUS” doctor that I would just “love.” After several stern conversations in which my family collectively ganged up on me and politely suggested (read: threatened permanent damage) if I didn’t go to the doctor already, I did.
AND the doctor was GRRRRREAT! Funny, compassionate, thorough, engaging and DID NOT ONCE mention that my hacking cough is from my weight. He did not suggest that fatigue was strictly due to weight. He did not suggest that my lingering feelings of postpartum depression were due to my weight. He listened, he agreed, he suggested, he gave me pamphlets, he informed — he DOCTORED without JUDGING!!!
I now love him and will soon beg to be his adopted third-world child as I am a fluffy, fatherless orphan begging to be adopted. And if he says yes, I’ll agree faster than you can say Angelina Jolie.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve honestly never, ever had a doctor say a word about my weight. From the stories I hear, I think I am very lucky.
Stephanie´s last blog ..Have we talked about how fat I am lately? Let’s do that.
I remember when I gained weight as a teen I was having digestive problems and some lower back strain. “You are too fat.” said my Indian GP without remorse, and that was pretty much all he said.
Several yo-yos between 200-285 later, I was at Harvard starting law school when during my first visit to refill an inhaler I ended up having to undergo a full medical where their concern about my weight (245 then?) was forefront. And actually, Harvard Law was 98% skinny, high-strung anxious people and like 4 large guys.