I’d have a lovely little post here for you, but the change in time has kicked my behind. So much kicking of the backside!
With four kids, their crazy schedules, twice weekly appointments to the doc for me, as well as work, a church calling teaching the 5-year-olds on Sundays, various social and family commitments, along with other essentials like grocery shopping and the like, we’ve got a busy social calendar (but of course who doesn’t these days?).
Perhaps this is why the fact that there is only 52 days till Christmas is panic attack inducing. Let’s not forget Thanksgiving, as well as, oh, what was it? That’s right; having a baby. Those are bound to crowd the ol’ day planner.
And here I thought I was busy before!
It’s November 1st, and if you’ve been anywhere around here for the past few million years, you’ll recognize this as basically the only month out of the entire year that I blog. Yeah, how about THAT for dedication? At least I’m consistent!
I’m also incredibly rusty, so bear with me. I also am incredibly pregnant, so bear with me more. When you have a baby that they’re saying is already the size of a full-term baby, but you still have a month to go, it suddenly explains the exhaustion that you previously didn’t have.
Also, there are so many changes and issues that you start to deal with that I forgot were actually issues in the nine years since I’d last given birth.
Getting up from a sitting position
Coughing without peeing
Sneezing without peeing
Eating food that doesn’t cause heartburn
Getting more than three hours of sleep at a time (I slept for five hours straight the other night, and I felt like I could run a freaking marathon!)
Staying up past 9:00 p.m. successfully
Getting out of bed as soon as the alarm goes off without throwing up
Eating in general… if it sounds good now, by the time it’s been made, it’ll probably make me sick
Not crying when Jason looks at me weird
Not getting crabby when Jason looks at me weird
Remembering that that is probably just Jason’s face
There are other things going on too. Like my great job. Like the kids being back in school. Like fall being here and giving us a break from the intense heat of summer (HOTTEST SUMMER ON RECORD SINCE THE ’50s!). Like feeling like there is so much more I should be or could be doing but just not being able to get to it (write, paint, fold laundry, exercise more, remembering what it was like being able to see my feet…). But I am doing the best I can, and that’s important, right? And part of doing the best I can will be jotting down a few words here every day for the month of November! How’s THAT for promising? AND maybe it’ll get a little bit more exciting than this stream of consciousness I’m giving you now. Oooohh, just pins and needles waiting to see what happens…
The Top 5 Things That Are on My Mind RIGHT THIS SECOND, in no particular order:
1. School starts in two weeks, and this means my kids will be away six hours a day. This also means making school lunches, homework, tired, worn-out kids, and the end of summer. Frankly, I prefer having my kids home, and I definitely prefer the warmer weather. They do love school though, so it’s bittersweet. I’ll miss them, but I also love the fact that we have a pretty regular schedule during the school year (also the opposite of what I love about summer, so wrap your brain around that one).
2. This video, shared with me by a friend. It resonates with me because I’ve often thought about how lonely the world is, especially now, even though we’re all so supposedly connected. I’ve wondered if it was a byproduct of my own adulthood, or maybe it was even a major character flaw of my own… a social ineptitude, if you will.
Sometimes I think I must be the only person in the world that feels this loneliness because the world at large appears to be so busy, so social, so connected and so thoroughly engaged with others. And yet there I am all by myself feeling like a major outcast just barely hanging on the periphery, bewildered by how everyone manages these relationships, and always wondering how on earth people make all of this happen and what little piece of my brain or personality is missing that I find it so completely impossible to be just as engaged or involved or included. And it’s not like I feel pressure to be the same… it’s just… yeah, it’s jealousy and also a little teeny bit (okay, a lot), “Why am I not good enough?”
But then I see pieces like this, and it allows me to imagine that maybe it’s possible I don’t have that inherent character flaw that repels people (well, at least not all of the people), and perhaps it’s all just my perception, which, admittedly, can be skewed.
I’d bet a nickel that maybe some of you have had the same thoughts?
Sigh. Back to square one.
3. On loneliness… Isn’t it just a leetle bit disingenuous of me to get all Eeyore up in this place when talking about loneliness when I’ve got a houseful of children to keep me company, along with a belly full of baby that constantly makes his little presence known these days? Plus, my kids are all pretty amazing, smart and funny, and it’s not just my own specific biological response that makes me feel this way. Lots of people think they’re the bomb-diggity. Ask anyone!
4. Baby… he’s healthy so far, and I’m grateful. I’ve felt pretty good, and this has surprised me. I’ve always said I don’t do pregnancy well, but I think I’ve been unfair with myself and what my body can and is doing amazingly well so far this time around. I have a few hiccups here and there that I have to deal with, but all in all, I don’t wake up hating life like I expected to when we started this adventure. In fact, I’m pretty amazed at how strong I feel, and I really think I owe this body of mine an apology. We typically have a love/hate relationship thing going on, and honestly, I spend most of my time hating. But I need to take a lot of that back. It’s amazing. And while it’s not perfect or what I would hope it would be, it is the only one I’ve got. And while I feel like we’ve failed each other pretty consistently in this life, I think we’ve also done some pretty amazing things together in this life too. This baby being the latest and greatest endeavor.
Just a handful of months left too, and then the dude will be making me feel every single second of my age when he’s keeping me on my toes once he’s on the outside. But even then, I have faith that it’ll get me through that time as well. And as far as all of that, I really, really intend to hang on to those moments because I didn’t have the opportunity to do that the last time around. Words cannot express the regret and pain I feel for what I failed to hang on to… memories that have slipped away in a blur. Life was really, really hard back then, and I’ve lost so many of the moments I wish I had held on to for just a bit longer. I intend to not make the same mistake twice. Really, I want to honor this whole opportunity I’ve been blessed with. A baby! A little person to love and teach and learn from. Nothing can beat the value of perspective!
5. My fat (though shrinking) little dachshund had ACL surgery last Thursday, after somehow dislocating his knee. He’s getting around so incredibly well now after a few worrying days, and I can’t help but love to watch his little three-legged walk, which is now coupled with the exaggerated circular motion his e-collared head makes as he makes attempts at short little trips around the house. He’s certainly not the smartest dog around, but what he lacks in brains, talent, agility, and bravery, he more than makes up for in his unbridled enthusiasm.
What’s on your mind? Feel free to share. 🙂
“Mom, why do you write so much?” said my 8-year-old as she perused one of many notebooks that sits on my desk. Pages and pages are filled with thoughts and worries and ideas and dreams and words. So many words. Always in blue ink. She scans the pages, her mouth slightly open, maybe in awe, as she gazes upon my literary guts that I’ve spilled across those pages in an effort to clear my mind, clear my head, get perspective, and most importantly, heal.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve written. Hours, days, maybe weeks of my life have been spent on my bed, legs in the air, feet crossed, and writing. Through my preteen years — so much self-loathing in those years; through my teen years — so much anxiety and insecurity; through my college years and 20s and first married and children and first houses. There are large gaps missing in my life when I guess those were the times when I wanted to run away from myself and all the navel gazing that comes with journaling. This still happens from time to time, and you can easily guess when I’m back to writing more because the words multiply over and over and over again, and they spill out from me, and eventually I end up back here to write to whoever may be out there in this vast worldwide web that may, at some point, happen upon the virtual navel gazing that happens here.
What is there to write about?
This year hasn’t been the easiest year. But you know what? Last year wasn’t either. And while I’m thinking about it, the year before that wasn’t either.
This year has been an amazing year. And you know what? Last year was too. And while I’m thinking about it, the year before that was as well.
Jason has said on more than one occasion throughout our relationship that he wished he had the way with words that I had. Friends and family have said similar things.
In my younger years (I’d like to say “in my youth”, but even though I’m 36, I’d rather pretend I’m too young to say that still!), after being told that we all have our special talents, and that even God himself gave us unique gifts and talents that we are to use to enrich others with, I’d wonder what my talent was, what my gift was that I could share with others. Would I be a doctor and heal the sick? Would I be a lawyer and protect the innocent? Would I be an artist? Maybe a writer? I wasn’t ever really sure what it was that I would be. In reality, as an full-fledged grown-up, I realize that the answer isn’t always so concrete.
Maybe I should have taken this hobby of mine and honed into a craft. Maybe I’m missing out on a large chunk of satisfaction in my life because I’m not nurturing this essential part of me.
I don’t know. So many maybes in life, I guess it’s not really worth my time to second guess everything.
What I do know is right now the words are spilling out across the pages of my notebooks, journals, and now this blog. I’ll just enjoy it and see where it takes me!