As any well-intentioned, attentive, loving mother does, I recently exposed my highly refined children to culture, diversity and the world of people that live beyond the boundaries of our small town, beyond the safety net of our little state and even this country. I have introduced them to the wonderment and joy of other countries, traveling and the ins and outs of conversational dialogue in any setting, all the while maintaining the exquisite chicness that only the truly refined can do.
I’ll pause to let that sink in. I know you must be amazed at my intuitive, shockingly attentive motherhood skills.
So now that it has sunk in, you might be asking yourself, “How does she do it? How did she teach her small children such a valuable lesson and without a fight?
The answer is somewhat obvious but I will spell it out for you, because that is how gracious I am.
One word: ACCENTS.
Who knew the joy and thrill it would be for my children to hear me ham it up in a fake accent? See, within the tight-knit circle of trust and perfection that is my family, I have been known to don a thick Russian accent, call myself Helga and speak of the strength of which I worked with my hands and the by the sweat of my brow in the old country, always as a peasant Russian woman. Always amusing and a cheap parlor trick (the accent, not me!). Through the years, I trained myself and was able to harness the English accents of the English, the Australian, the German, the French, etc.
Then, for fun, I’d venture back to the States where we’d take great delight in the
South, “Ya’ll visitin’?”
The Midwest, “Oh, so nice to have ya here, dontchaknow!”
California, “Oh, whoa! No way! Serious?! That! Is! So! TOE.TA.LEE AWESOME!”
And of course, New York, “Yo! Get your butt in the house. Whadd’ya doin’? Fagidabowdit!”
So one silly night not so long ago, I took my multiple personalities for a spin. The kids could not do much but stare, then giggle, then stare. Then beg for more. And more. And more. And much to the fatigue and exhaustion of my well-hidden, heavily accented personalities, I have not been allowed to take them off the spin cycle put them to bed ever since!
It seems those years of theater study has paid off at last and evolved into a daily shtick my children now expect of me. This is college finally paying off.